M is for Michele
An open letter to my mom
Life’s fragility became even more apparent after nearly losing my mom when she was taken ill during lockdown (non Covid-19 related). After she spent some time ventilated and hooked up to life-support machines, I have never been so grateful to hear the words, ‘hello baby girl’ being said to me over the phone again.
Illness and death, they both take no prisoners. They don’t care if you’re rich or you’re poor. They don’t care if you’re old or young. They don’t care if you’re blue ticked on Instagram or how many hits you have on your latest blog post. Tomorrow really isn’t promised, we must remember every day that we could lose someone we love at any moment. Then we will love more fiercely and freely and without any fear - not because there is nothing to lose, but because there is everything to lose.
Dear Mom,
Was it after nearly losing you again that I really saw you? I began to wonder. I began to wonder; did I really ever tell you how amazing you are? Did I ever tell you how all your selflessness and sacrifice has never gone unnoticed? Since seeing your face again, since holding your hand again, I have felt compelled to make it my mission to celebrate you, to love you exactly as you are for however long we have together because you, Michele, really and truly are my hero.
Did I ever tell you how loved you are? A marvellous mother, a gifted midwife, a fabulous friend and life and soul of the party - you’ve always had the rare ability to light up any room; a true craic dispenser (as Marty McGowan would say). Other people sharing their stories and anecdotes about you have lifted me more than you could ever know - you have had such a positive influence on their lives too, it makes me beam with pride. You’ve been a care-giver for many years during your life, now it’s time for you to accept some of that love and care you’ve always given so freely, from not only us but from yourself.
I pray that you find strength. Strength to face what lies ahead. Strength to cope with the journey. Strength to keep fighting. On saying this, please don’t feel you aren’t allowed your bad days too. It’s okay to not be okay mom. Let us in. Let us help. I pray that you find peace. Peace by accepting what you cannot change. Peace from healing and dealing with old wounds. Peace within yourself. I pray that you learn to love yourself. Sometimes I see a wall of pride that occasionally prevents you from loving who you are. If only you could see the woman I see, the woman we all see. Learn to love who you were, who you are and who you will be. I pray that you make the most of every day from here on in. Fingers crossed we can book that trip to Ireland and you can indulge in all types of pâté on endless toasted crumpets again. Let’s find a piece of happiness each day amongst in the little things.
Of all the people everywhere, you are the closest and most important to me. If by scaring us half to death and ending up on a ventilator during a global pandemic was your way of showing us what life would be like without you, you succeeded. It would be unbearable.
Thank you for making me the woman I am today. You have instilled in me the importance of family and friendships, strength and bravery. You have taught me how to hold my own and never settle for second best. Through your strength I have grown to be strong.
Throughout my illness you have been my backbone, now let me be yours.
I know I don’t tell you enough so here it is, my open letter to you mom. Three cheers to you Michele my Belle.
I love you.
Aoife
Written 10th August 2020
